The Derek Cave
by Rose the packs Fang
Summary: Filled with dead bunnies, vampire frogs, zombie armies, hamsters and cookies. A lot of Chlerek and Derkie! A bunch of random one-shots I thought up at the most random points in time! Funny with funny horror if that's possible. Set before The Reckoning.
1. The Derek Cave

**Sup! This is to the people that reviewed to Max's New Friend!!**

Emmafer

faxnesslover

alexa35

Izzy1959

roseandlissa

WinterSky101

**Disclaimer: I'm not THAT old!!!!!**

* * *

**CHLOE'S POV**

I woke up to the sun shining in my face and the birds chirping. If you believed that you are more gullible than I thought. I open my eyes, for REAL this time, to see the sky a purplish color and crackling like Tori- I mean like an evil witch. I got off my black, gothic bed as my pet corpse bunny named Furball, hopped over, also crackling but because of the bones. Hmmmmm……..well, there goes his LAST fur ball. I walked down stairs to see Derek, in his pink Barbie sweats, fluffy unicorn slippers, and a tee-shirt with my face on it. The usual but I STILL don't understand the short, though.

"Morning, D."

"Good mworning Cwhloe." Derek said in his 'bunny' voice, meaning he's hungry.

"I'm make cookies."

45 minutes later, Derek takes the cookies out to cool. There, was a knock at the door, suddenly.

I looked at it, staring, before yelling, "I didn't do it!!"

The door creaked up to show……

"Hello, Blondie, Pup," Liam stated.

Derek, quietly, grabbed me and the cookies, then shouted, "To The Derek Cave!!!!!!!!!"

He, quickly, ran into his room and into his closet. After 20 minutes, I had to ask the stupidest question ever.

"The Derek Cave?"

---------------------------------------------------Downstairs--------------------------------------------

Liam's eyes started tearing before he ran out the house screaming and crying hysterically. Before he disappeared into the woods to find a new emo corner in his emo hole, he yelled, "I only wanted a COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


	2. Derek's Training

**Thanks to….**

kikimo05

were-angel95

starlight5577

Death Preistess

**I lyed starlight5577, I am now doing more of this story. It is going to be all one-shots**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my body…..wait.. I sold that yesterday.. damn!**

**Derek's Training**

**Chloe's POV**

"Ok Chloe, knock me down." With unknown strength, I push Derek down. "Now punch me." I stood staring at the genius idiot in front of me. "Punch. Me." I shrugged and snapped my fist into his stomach. And….down went Derek, breathing heavily. After 10 minutes of catching his breath, after falling 'on purpose', he was ready to stand again.

"Now what?" I asked sweetly.

"Attack me." I paused, staring. And I stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. After 5 minutes of staring, Derek looked at me weirdly. "Chloe?"

"Vampire frogs……attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Out of no where, frogs appeared and jumped onto Derek, glaring with their undead red eyes. Derek screamed until a bigger vampire frog stuffed a smaller vampire frog into his month. A minute after the attack, all that was left of Derek was a big green blob with glowing red dots. "Disperse!" The frogs vanished into thin air. The barely conscience Derek stared at me. "And THAT is how I fight." I stated before he blacked out. Now, I can't wait until Derek's next training fight session! :D

**Sucks, I know……..review for the vampire frogs!!!!**

**VF: We bite**

**Me: Shut it!!**

**VF: review! If not for Rose, then do it for me!**


	3. Derek's Surprise

**Thanks to…**

Weezle13

WinterSky101

were-angel95

starlight5577

moon-called-princess

kikimo05

Death Preistess

JamieKayHuntt

**Yeah…this story is in 5****th**** place for the most review of my stories. 0.0 And it has had 386 people look at it, 3 favorites, and 1 story alert. In my opinion, pretty good for my insane writing. Now to more important stuff…****For any Maximum Ride readers, writers, OC's, or just people that feel like war please sign up. This war is about the book FANG. Ask for details or to sign up. My dear friend WinterSky101 and I are writing a story together but it is on her account only. The story is about her and me falling from a rip in space to different dimension. Each dimension is a different book or show. The story shows my true insanity and Winter's….well just herself. The story is called The Magical Door of Wonder.**

**Disclaimer: **

**Flame: Rose is not a creepy lady that lives in her room reading and writing her life awa-**

**Rose: *cough* Ya, I am *cough***

**Flame: Oh…riiigggghhhttt…**

**Rose: Since you are incapable of doing your job, Chaos, Khaos, and Tori shall do it.**

**Tori: First, in case anyone is wondering, I am from a Percy Jackson story this lazy bum has yet to add on!**

**Chaos: And I am a 234 year old ghost from Danny Phantom that Rose is too lazy to type.**

**Khaos: I am a Darkest Powers.**

**Flame: She don't talk much…but I'm from a Percy Jackson, Flame, Daughter of-**

**Rose: Get on with it!!**

**Tori, Chaos, Khaos, and Flame: Right! Sorry! Rose is not the owner of Darkest Powers, no matter how many heads her decapitates!**

**Rose: Stop spreading lies!!! Please enjoy this story while I deal with the OC's…**

DEREK'S POV

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh! FOOD!!!! I ran down the stairs, quietly, yet quickly. The second my feet touched the ground, my body was in the kitchen, grabbing random piece of food after random piece of food and stuffing it into two random slices of bread, in the dark. Through my frenzy, I saw a red light. After further inspection, I saw it was the oven clock, reading 3:14 A.M. I slumped down at the table with my sandwich raised to my mouth.

A TREE OUTSIDE'S POV

A scream erupted from the kitchen, waking the rest of the occupants at the safe house. That night/day/morning, Chloe, Andrew, Tori, and Simon learned two things:

1.) Derek's scream is higher than the peppiest girl.

2.) Always watch what you put in your sandwiches; because you never know when Tori switched the lettuces with her black thong.

**I personally found this really funny…2 pages, 617 words (For this whole story; including author notes), and a pissed off OC...Nice way to end.**

**Khaos: I rather like Tori. **

**Flame: That's because you hate Derek and Simon. Mainly, Simon…and Andrew, the sick dickhead…**

**Tori: Oh leave her alone! She has a right to have both of them! Now, Rose, would you mind, um…I don't know, finishing the chapter in my story?!?! You're not even done with the first chapter, yet you're forcing me to deal with these!?!?**

**Chaos: Stupid pacifist mutant…**

**Rose: Let's end this argument and let the reader review…or what ever they do…Anyway, Chaos that is Khaos's beliefs, deal with them. Tori, I'm working on it!! Flame, stop trying to be the Sane One! It ruins your character! And Khaos, stick too your grudges and rip him to shreds!**

**Tori: Shouldn't you be telling her "Acunamatata!" or something like that?**

**Rose: No! This is more interesting and actually gets reviewers! Feed the fire, not douse it! Now Review! And tell me if you want to hear any of these OC's stories and I'll post! **


	4. Derek's Song

**Thanks to...**

funness01

bodyandsoul

666vampiregirl666

moon-called-princess

WinterSky101

Roxii-Ann

JamieKayHuntt

moon-destroyer

xXGh0stXx

**Ok. Now I say sorry for not updating in a while, but my ONLY best friends hate each other and....well...it's confusing. Anyway, enough talk about me! Let's let my OC's speak!**

**Khaos: *Smiling***

**Flame: O.o**

**Chaos: This is scarier than me being nice....**

**Tori: *Screaming***

**Me: I hate being sick *Pukes* JUST DO THE DAMNED DISCLAIMER!**

**Khaos: I liked the Reckoning**

**Flame: Oooof course you did! Tori became nice, Chloe rocked, Derek changed, Simon was sad, and your least favorite person died! Who wouldn't be smiling!**

**Chaos: *Flipping through stories Rose is working on* I swear Rose, you suck at coming up with good names. I mean; Khaos, Chaos, Mirth, Zal, Hocus, Pocus, Bibity, Bobity, Violent, Nation, Flame. Hell half of your OC's are named after you, your friends, or your sisters!**

**Tori: She has a point ya know...**

**Flame: MY NAME DOESN'T SUCK! **

**Me: *growls***

**Flame: *sigh* Rose the packs fang does not own Darkest Powers**

**Chaos: However, she does own the song, which she made in math class. In fact, just the word math makes her head hurt!**

**Me: Gah!**

**Tori: Sadly, after this, only three more chapters.....maybe four if Rose types up the song she wrote for Chloe.**

**Khaos: Read. It. Now.**

The camera slowly enters a house, turns to the left, and goes up some stairs. The camera goes to an open door and looks inside. The person holding the camera giggles as they look to make sure it's the right room. They bring the camera around. The viewer sees Derek, standing in front of a mirror, wearing a baggy shirt, pants to his butt, and a hair brush in his hand. Suddenly, Derek is talking into the hair brush. Shhh! Listen!

_Yo, yo, my name is Derek_

_I'm a werewolf, boy!_

Derek walks into the hall, the camera hiding and following his every move. He bumps into Chloe.

_This is my main girl Chloe_

_She's a necromancer, foo!_

Derek keeps walking, Chloe trailing behind in a freaking out daze. Simon jumps out of his room so he can stalk Chloe, but accidentally slams into Derek's rapping body.

_Meet Simon, my bro!_

_He's a sorcerer, yo!_

Simon stares, godsmacked, at his foster brother, unconsciously walking next to Chloe, following Derek. Tori walks out of the bathroom, wondering with a What-The-Fuck look on her face, backing away. Sadly, Derek spots her.

_Say hi to Tori!_

_She's the bitchy witch!_

Chloe grabbed Tori's wrist, dragging her with them. Rae smashes down a wall about to go all "Flame On!" when Derek opens his mouth.

_Ruuuuuuun! It's Rae!_

_She's a fire demon, dog!_

Rae's mouth opens slightly as Tori grips her hair, also dragging her along. Andrew runs up the stairs with a shot gun, about to shoot Derek, when said boy looks at Andrew.

_Hey, hey, Andrew!_

_You're a sorcerer, too!_

_Yeeeeaaaaahhhh, yyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!_

By now, everyone was in the kitchen with the camera and camera person watched. Chloe finally snaps out of her trace and let's go of Simon and Tori, who then let's go of Rae. Andrew stares. Chloe blinks, then opens her mouth to question her secret crush, Derek. However, Derek, yet again, opens his mouth.

_Down with Eddy, up with Supers!_

_Down with Eddy, up with Supers!_

_Chloe! You're kind of creepy with the ghosties!_

_Simon! You're really sad with your lame magic!_

_Tori! You're very freaky with your mommy!_

_Rae! You're kind of bad with Dr. D!_

_Andrew! You're weird cause you're creepy!_

Derek looked each person in the eye as he said their name. But he wasn't done yet.

_Down with Eddy, up with Supers!_

_Down with Eddy, up with Supers!_

_Eddy-Supers!_

_Eddy-Supers!_

_Eddy-Supers!_

_**SUPERS!**_

_Yeah, you can't fuck with that!_

Liz giggled as she watched Derek got blasted, punched, burned, slapped, pinched, and stared at. I really should come over more often, Liz thought to herself.

**Me: There is nothing more fun than ruining Derek's image**

**Flame: Kissing Nico would be more fun if you wrote it!**

**Tori: YOU SPOILED YOUR OWN STORY, IDIOT! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME SOMEONE SPOILED THEIR OWN STORY?**

**Khaos: Rewritten**

**Flame: NO**

**Chaos: Yes**

**Flame: PLEASE DON'T OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ROSE!**

**Me: I rather like that title...Fine, you may remain. HOWEVER IF I HEAR ONE MORE SPOIL...!**

**Flame: Yes, Miss. Fang, whatever you say Miss. Fang**

**Chaos: Suck up**

**Khaos: Are the C/Khaos' the only ones that never kiss up?**

**Me: *Looks through stories* Mostly**

**Tori: WHAT ABOUT ME?**

**Me: Kiss up to Percy, Poseidon, Zeus, Medusa, Athena, and Sam**

**Tori: YOU HAVEN'T EVEN WRITTEN IT YET!**

**Me: It's all in my head. Now let's say good-bye to our readers.**

**Tori: Bye**

**Khaos: I never say bye, for I will "see" you again.**

**Chaos: Huh, now you sound like my dad. I shall sound like yours! Good-bye**

**Flame: Bye, bye Ninja Readers!**

**Tori: How are they ninjas?**

**Flame: Ninjas are never seen, and I have never seen our readers!**

**Me: *sigh* Hope you enjoyed it, R&R....**


	5. Derek's Change

**Thanks to...**

moon-called-princess

Anastasia815

vampirefreak82

Death Preistess

Greekfreak11

Jamie Kay Huntt

WinterSky101

**Flame: For me, this one was lame**

**Tori: Lame, lame, lame**

**Chaos: Shut it! She might hear! **

**Khaos:...**

**Me: *growls***

**Khaos: *sigh* She owns nothing **

**Chaos: Word that better!**

**Tori: Oh, get off her back, **_**MOM**_

**Me: Their just ticked because I haven't been working on my stories lately...On with the lam- I mean AWESOME story! **

**Flame: *cough*LAME*cough***

CHOLE'S POV

I rubbed Derek's shoulders, soothingly, as he releched into the bushes again. Fur spruted from his arm, slowly, feeling soft and looking shiny. I wish I could be anywhere but here, though I promised myself that I would be there for Derek, like he is always there for me. Stupid self, stupid Derek. And yet, my corpse army still needs to finish ninja training, mainly those damned spiders. Derek squeeked, breaking me from my mind babble. Wait! Squeeked? Derek's head turned towards me, showing his pushed in face. OKAY! What is going on here? I looked Derek over, causing him to squeek. Derek Souza freaking squeeked. I closed my eyes to calm my freaked out mind. When they opened, a gasp passed my lips. There was a black, furry, green-eyed hampster.

"What...The...Fuck...?" Derek had some explaining to do.

**Me: Definatly not my best word**

**Khaos: Lame**

**Flame: See! Even the pacifist knows that it sucks!**

**Chaos: Please excuse Rose's foul mouthedness in the last line. And her grammer/spelling, she has no spell check**

**Tori: Is it just me, or everytime we "meet" Chaos acts more and more mom-like?...It's really starting to scare me...**

**Me: Really LOVE to stay and chat with everyone, but I have to get ready for the most awesome band concert EVER! And from now on, I shall update one story every two days...Review!**


	6. Chloe's Song

**Thanks to: **

SweetDreamzz3116

The-one-who-stands-out

moon-called-princess

nala 890

WinterSky101

Midnight KAT04

Darkestpowerslover234

**Me: Hee…hee…hee….DONT KILL ME! There's a good reason for not updating in…over 5 months! I…just…don't have it….heehee…At least I'm updating now….**

**Flame: *cough* lazy fat butt *cough***

**Chaos: Oh, quiet you**

**Khaos: *glare***

**Tori: I think Khaos is PMSing**

**Khaos: *growls***

**Flame: Or, or, and hear me out here, she's mad because carrots took over the world!**

**Tori: *looks at Flame strangely***

**Chaos: *looks at Flame strangely***

**Khaos: *looks at Flame***

**Me: *ignores Flame* *coughs***

**Tori: …er….right….Rose no owny**

Chloe enters her room in the safe house, and then looks left and right, making sure that no one was around. She had found the secret tape that Liz made from Derek's….whatever it was that had happened, and didn't want that to happen to herself. Chloe walks over to her dresser, opens it, and pulls out a piece of paper. Standing in front of her mirror, she sings softly to herself.

_Skeletons, skeletons, on my stair_

_How many people do they scare?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my hall_

_How many times do they crawl?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my room_

_How soon do they meet their doom?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my bed_

_How many skeletons have they led?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my pot_

_When do they get hot?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, on my wall_

_How many times do they fall?_

_Skeletons, skeletons in my drawer_

_How much blood do they pour? _

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my chair_

_How long do I stare?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my bath_

_Where is my path?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, in my shower_

_How long do they cower?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, touch my hair_

_What makes you think they care?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, on my desk_

_Does it leave a big mess?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, on the streets_

_How many people do they meet?_

_Skeletons, skeletons, grab my hand_

_And I'll lead you through my land_

_Skeletons, skeletons, everywhere_

_We do what we must to get them out of here!_

Chloe smiles softly and bows to her reflection.

**Me: A little more serious than my other one-shots, but I needed to type it.**

**Flame: Bye-bye**

**Chaos: Hope to type to you soon**

**Khaos: Bye**

**Tori: Adios!**


	7. Tori's Surprise

**Thanks to:**

SweetDreamzz3116

Bookninja15

moon-called-princess

WinterSky101

**Me: Man, what has it been? 10 days? 12 days?**

**Khaos: 18**

**Me: Well…I was looking over the previous chapters and notice something. All, but the resent Chloe's Song, are circle around Derek**

**Flame: Yeah! Like The Derek Cave, Derek's Song, Derek's Change, Derek's Surprise, Derek's—**

**Chaos: I think they get the idea, Flame**

**Tori: *cough* Continue of Great and Powerful Rose**

**Me: Humph! And since I noticed that, I thought that the other DP character might be feeling rejected, so I have made a Tori one and a Simon one!**

**Tori: I think their happy with you overlooking them, Rosie **

**Me: NONSENCE!**

**Chaos: Continuing…..**

**Flame: ROSE. DOES NOT. OWN. THE AWESOMENESS. KNOWN. AS DARKEST. POWERS.**

**Khaos: *groans***

**Tori: My ears!**

**Chaos: Indoor voice!**

**Me: and we begin.**

It was a normal day at the safe house. In the T.V. room, Andrew was shining his shot gun, Derek was staring at Chloe and pouting, Tori was frowning at the wall while muttering death threats under her breath, Simon was drawing, and Chloe was playing with her new pet corpse skunk named JoeBobHernyJimBilly. Well, it was a normal day until a loud banging noise occurred, coming from the door.

"Oh, Tori-boo!" The shriek was heard coming from the other side of The Door of Doom. Tori stared at The DoD in fascinated horror.

"Tori?" Andrew asked. At that moment in the teenagers' life, The DoD was kicked down. **(AN: Wwwwwwhhhhhyyyyyy? Why murder an innocent door! Why Tori's mom, why?)**

"Tori-kinz! Mommy's here!" The voice crackled as the dust settled, over the remains of The DoD, **(AN: *sobs*) **to show us Tori's mother, Mrs. Something or Other.

Tori turned to Chloe and said in a strangled whisper to the wide-eyed "innocent" *cough*EVIL*cough* girl, "She's insane." She, then, burst into pride filled tears and hugs her mother, slightly hysterically.

**Flame: That poor, poor door! *wails***

**Tori: Yeah…..the door….sad…..?**

**Chaos: There, there, Flame, The DoD is in door haven now.**

**Flame: Really? *wide tear-filled, yet hopeful eyes***

**Khaos: No**

**Flames: *wails***

**Chaos: Now you've done it! *slaps***

**Tori: *gasp***

**Flame: *tear-filled gasp***

**Me: *gasp*…erm…just read and review for this shot and….erm….pray that Khaos doesn't murder Chaos…**

**Chaos: I'm….I am so so so sorry, Khaos!**

**Khaos: *growls* Gonna kill you!**

**Me: *mutters* to late *sigh* *headdesk***

**Flame: *watching***

**Tori: *watching through hands***

**Chaos: *screaming***

**Khaos: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!**

**Me: See you after Khaos has run out of energy and stops trying to re-kill Chaos…..bye**


	8. Tori's Mom

**Thanks to…**

Fro-Tail

moon-called-princess

WinterSky101

Bookninja15

**Flame: 22 days**

**Chaos: Far to long to be locked in this young lady's mind**

**Me: *twitch***

**Tori: We've been stuck in there for longer**

**Khaos: True**

**Flame:….Rose is an insane young lady**

**Me: *twitch***

**Khaos: Young lady**

**Me: *twitch***

**Tori: LOL. Young lad-**

**Me: GET ON WITH IT!**

**Khaos: Rose doesn't own DP or the song**

**Tori: *gasp* Did she…?**

**Flame: Say a sentence?**

**Tori: Ye-**

**Me: ON WITH THE SHOW!**

David, the new kid at the safe house who is a 56 year old 17 year old vampire and is Tori's crush, walked into the "family" room where Cory (15 year old bubble half-demon), Tori, Chloe, Chloe's pet corpse Razor the Bunny Wabbit, Derek, Simon, Liz the Ghost, Greg (14 year old shaman), Andrew, and Max (2 year old baby mind demon that Chloe adopted and who was playing with Razor) were hanging out. David walked over to the middle of the room and lifted a microphone, which had magically popped into his hands, to his mouth. Then, he sang.

_Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
Tori's mom has got it goin' on_

Tori, can I come over after school? (after school)  
We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)  
Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)  
Is she there, or is she trying to give me the slip? (give me the slip)

You know, I'm not the little boy that I used to be  
I'm all grown up now, baby can't you see

Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
She's all I want and I've waited for so long  
Tori, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Tori's mom

Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
Tori's mom has got it goin' on

Tori, do you remember when I mowed your lawn? (mowed your lawn)  
Your mom came out with just a towel on (towel on)  
I could tell she liked me from the way she stared (the way she stared)  
And the way she said, "You missed a spot over there" (a spot over there)

And I know that you think it's just a fantasy  
But since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me

Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
She's all I want, and I've waited so long  
Tori, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong,  
but I'm in love with Tori's mom

Tori's mom has got it goin' on  
She's all I want and I've waited for so long,  
Tori can't you see your just not the girl for me,  
I know it might be wrong but oh oh  
(I know it might be wrong)  
I'm in love with (Tori's mom oh oh)  
(Tori's mom oh oh)  
I'm in love with Tori's mom 

By the end of the cursed song, Tori was in the fetal position sucking her thumb, Derek was slamming his head against a random brick wall next to his chair to rid himself of the "IMAGES!" Also, Cory was scratching her eyes out and repeating Derek's screams, Razor was clutching a razor or 500…Simon had ripped off his ears as to stop their suffering, Liz had "poofed" half way through as to save herself, Greg was puking in the bathroom. Andrew had been ignoring the singing and was ignorant to the reactions and Chloe was ROTFLHAO. And Max, poor naïve Max, looked up questionably and asked, "Wha's wron?"

**Me: Done.**

**Flame: So, what's with your reaction to the words you-**

**Me: I SAID THAT WE ARE DONE, SO LEAVE THE POOR READERS ALONE!**

**Tori: But-**

**Me: LEAVE!**

**Khaos, Chaos: Rose pl-**

***Tori, Flame, Khaos, and Chaos are no longer here*** __


	9. Simon's Pie

**Thanks to…**

toby4eva

iSarahhhhX3

Bookninja15

Jenaca

twilight darkest powers 4ever

SMARTCUTEFUNNYXD

WinterSky101

theRoguePrincess

**Me: Sorry, I haven't been updating any of my stories lately but the last few months have been hard on me and my family. (NOTE: I am not saying that LIFE is hard, just the last few months)**

"**You": But Kayla-Rose-Whatever-your-name-is, aren't ALL months hard (especially if this is your excuse for not updating)?**

**Me: Fine. My grandma died, my 20-something year old cousin is pregnant, my other 20-something year old cousin (other cousin's younger sister) just graduated from college, we got a trampoline, my parents are getting a divorce, one of my best friends (who lives 2 states away) was dating my cousin (he fell in love with her, she broke his heart, the usual stuff), I keep injuring myself on my trampoline, and I AM STILL FAILING LATIN!...happy?**

"**You": That's not that bad. Stop whining.**

**Me: *slaps "you"* Here's your story. Maybe Flame, Khaos, Chaos, and Tori will be awake at the end of it and willing to chat.**

**Disclaimer: Are you guys STILL questioning this? Do pandas know how to break-dance? If they CAN, then I write DP, if they can't then I'm a loser that lives in a small town. **

**Simon's Pie**

It had been a normal day at the safe house. Chloe was torturing spirits and jumping out of the shadows (while wearing a Joker mask) and scaring the life out of the victims. Derek was stalking Chloe, Tori was murdering poor, defenseless tress **(AN: I keep imagining the trees suddenly coming to life and fighting back. *sigh* But, alas!) **, Andrew was asleep and Liz was helping Chloe. The only strange thing about the scene was that Simon was not drooling at Chloe's evil pink pedicured feet. The question as to where Simon was was answered when an explosion rocked the safe house, originating from the house's kitchen.

Simon's day before the explosion had been surprisingly normal. He had woken up in his Justin Bieber briefs, had taken a chocolate shower, ate breakfast with an insane (yet hot) necromancer, a brotherly werewolf, a bitchy witch, and a homophobic sorcerer. Yes, Simon's day had been surprisingly and completely normal even when Chloe had starting playing Adam's Family with Liz and a bunch of dead fans. All was normal, at least, until Simon got hungry.

Now, as a guy, Simon was always hungry for things. Like pizza, cheese, chicken, soda, girls, steak, Chloe, chips, Chloe, Goldfish, and Chloe. However, this craving was different. This time Simon was hungry for PIE!

So, Simon went to make pie.

Unfortunately for Simon, Chloe had pranked the kitchen the day before by switching the floor with gun powder.

_**BA-KA-BOOM!**_

"YES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chloe got her revenge. Derek had a heart-attack. And yet, Simon still had no pie.

**Flame: *sing-song voice* I think someone PMSing!**

**Me: Flame! I'm going to kill you!**

**Chaos: Calm down you two!**

**Tori: Not your best work, Oh-(Usually)-Awesome-Writer.**

**Khaos: *twitch* Am I the only one annoyed with "The Gathering?"**

**Me: Hey, don't worry Khaos, it annoyed me too! Anyway, we gotta go get ready for the big trip tomorrow afternoon! Say good-bye, non-existant voice in my head. **

**Flame: Bye, People of the Night!**

**Chaos: Good afternoon, children (or adults I really have know idea how old you stalkers are)**

**Khaos: Bye**

**Tori: Adios!**


	10. Chloe's New Son

**Thanks to…**

born2danceforever

Chlerek-Lover-8

Dark Dragon99

WebstersDopeGirl

wolf girl molly

rowen017

WinterSky101

XSabineX

elizi02

Bookninja15

Chlerek

SMARTCUTEFUNNYXD **(You, kind person, deserve a hug. As such, I hug-eth thee)**

teenbooks4eva

**Me: ...Hee...hee? **

**Flame: Well, we have finally, magically appeared!**

**Tori: And ****only**** after 12 months and 14 days**

**Me: Yeppers…BUT! I have an excuse!**

**Flame: …Did it involve squirrels!**

**Me:…no, Flame, no, the reason does not involve squirrels **

**Tori: But first, where the heck are Chaos and Khaos?**

**Me: In…the ****torture**** fluffy room!...OF DEEEEEEAAAAAAATTTTTHHHHHHH!**

**Flame: Dum Dum DUUUUUUUUUMMMMM!**

**Tori:?**

**Me: They tried to steal my chocolate**

**Tori: That…seems unlikely.**

**Flame: Itz truuuuuue, itz truuuuuue! Flame sawz it, Flame sawz it!**

**Me: *pout*…*"looks" back at readers, ignoring figments of imagination* I have officially become addicted to…Anime. Yes, this addiction can and will ruin someone's life. I, myself, have been addicted since the beginning of the last week of school last year. This horrible addiction started with Ouran High School Host Club and, today I am watching Naruto, Devil May Cry, Shugo Chara!, Bleach, and Death Note, Kaze no Stigma, Haruhi Suzumia (I know I spelled that wrong) and Fullmetal Alchemist. (Not including the multiple that I have watched since my first encounter with Anime) To help me and my fellow Anime addicts (Anime Addicts Unite) to stop and return to being addicted to something less life ruining (like fan fiction), please review. Oh, and fellow procrastinators, UNITE!...tomorrow.**

Life was normal in the Safe House. Derek was stalking poor little pink haired Chloe, who was playing Stalker with a fox corpse and a bunny corpse. Simon was pouting at the fire place with Tori reading a book on incest and stories about husbands who found out that the mother of their children was really their long lost little sister.

Yep. Life at the Safe House was as normal as normal can be. At least until Chloe saw a black dot.

"Mr. Maggot, Miss Pumpkin!" Chloe shouted at her playmates, "I see something in the distance! Let us prance over to this mysterious black dot!" In her fun, Chloe had forgotten how her pervious moment as a Detective ended last time. The closer the trio (and Derek the Stalking Stalker Wolf) got to the dot, the bigger it became. By the time Chloe and her friends reached it, it was as big as Derek's head.

Chloe giggled, suddenly. The portal, as Chloe is now convinced it is, was whispering.

"Sleep, sleep, Children of Eve, come, come, Sons of Souls. Sleep in the beautiful ga~rden!" A childish voice cried.

Suddenly, a head popped out of the black portal!

"Mommy!" The baby cried as it wrapped its body around Chloe's head.

"I shall name you Max, and you shall be my Max." Chloe decided, puffing her cheeks out.

And THAT is how Max came into the lives of the Super Supernatural Awesomeness Gang (as named by Chloe).

**Me: In hopes of stopping your blood-thirst, I will be updating this story twice and at least two other stories once by the end of the day. The same will be said tomorrow, but Fudge! Will be the story updated twice. **

**Flame: They don't believe you~~~~!**

**Tori: And you can't blame them.**

**Me Oh well! Alright you two! Make an ending comment! Then I can go to Science (:P)!**

**Flame: **

**Tori: Flame, I'm not even going to ask what that means…..ANYWAY, hope everyone is happy for the warmer days! Viva la Vida! (I really have no idea what that means- Spanish, maybe?)**


	11. Chloe's Torture Time

**Me: And here, my little reviewers and readers, is the second chapter, as promised. Aren't I awesome. **

**Flame: Which is rather short. Isn't she a stinker?**

**Tori: Be nice Flame, or she might lock you up with Khaos and Chaos.**

**Me: I should really go and check to make sure that those two haven't killed each other yet….**

**Flame: Yep!**

**Me: No, I don't own DP, and if someone out there is actually checking these stories for that one fact, then, with all of my kindness, I tell you to go get a life.**

It was a normal day at the Safe House. It was quiet, the sun was shining, the world was warm and an army of dead birds were singing…

"Left! Left! Left, right, left!"

And Andrew was dressed in army gear with a whistle clenched in between his sweaty lips.

"Come on you Maggots! Faster! Faster! Faster!"

Poor naïve Chloe was wearing a dark green sports bra and cameo Capri pants. Her now blue hair was in a ponytail and she had applied black lipstick to her face in two lines on each cheek. She stood on top of Andrew who was on his hands and knees, barking out orders to the group in front of her.

Simon was doing push-ups with three of Chloe's corpse squirrels sitting on his back. Tori was clawing her way up a tree trying to escape Chloe's spider army that was creeping up behind her. Meanwhile, Derek was fighting Chloe's dead bear friends. In the background, Chloe's foxes, skunks, dogs, cats, and snakes were having a tea party.

"Chloe! Let us go!" Tori screamed.

"Heeheehee! Spiders, speed up!"

"Chloe…can you get off my back?"

"Never!"

"Chloe…your bear scratched me…"

"DEREK! NOOOO!" Chloe screeched, prancing off of Andrew's back. In her momentary loss of concentration, Chloe's undead animal armies fell dead. Simon collapsed as the squirrels on his back rolled off and stopped scratching at his poor abused shoulder.

"Bad bears! Bad!" Chloe shouted as she marched up to the now collapsed bears. Sure enough, there was a quickly healing scratch on Derek's face.

"Chloe, I think everyone need a break now."

"…okay…" Swiftly, Chloe ripped off her skintight army outfit to reveal a pink puffy princess dress. Chloe then joined the strangely still zombie pets in their tea party as the "maggots" all face planted into the mud.

**Tori: Flame, I just realized that some people actually commented on us!**

**Flame: We should thank the nice ninja people then.**

**Tori: Yes, Flame, yes we should.**

**Me: Go knock yourselves out. Seriously.**

**Tori: Well then, double thanks to **Dark Dragon99**…and yeah, that's all we got.**

**Flame: I get this vague, and rather annoying, feeling that we are forgetting someone….**

**Tori: Oh well. You, Mr./Ms. Dark Dragon99, are my new favorite reviewer.**

**Flame: And mine!**

**Tori: No one cares about you, Flame!**

**Flame: Aw! **

**Me: Tori! Be nice to your 'sister'!**

**Tori: You can't tell me what to do! You're not my MOM!**

**Me: …**

**Flame: …yeah, she kind of is…**

**Tori: Oh. Right. **

**Me: Let's just, wrap this up and go to bed.**

**Tori: Bye random reviewers and Dark Dragon99**

**Flame: Bye-bye. Night night. Don't let your beg bugs attack you while you sleep, eat your cat and steal all your secret candy before watching your TV and wasting all your electricity.**

**Tori: O.o**


	12. Chloe's Dog

**Thanks to:**

Vamp Chick 73

I-LUV-MY-MOM

amanda8997

WinterSky101

**Me: It. Is. Too. Freaking. Hot.**

**Flame: Ha! I don't feel a thing!**

**Tori: For the first time in my short, short life, I wish I was Flame.**

**Chaos: Sad. But, true.**

**Khaos: Hn. **

**Chaos: I wonder if the readers have missed the two of us, Khaos?**

**Khaos: Hn.**

**Tori: Someone doesn't like the heat.**

**Me: It understandable, since she only where black and all.**

**Tori: True.**

**Me: Anyway, for all you diligent readers**

**Flame: Stalkers**

**Me: Who have been following my other stories to see if I have kept my promise, I have not. The last three days, I missed. However, do to the circumstances of those three days, I am not going to restart my routine, instead, I will update four stories today. **

**Chaos: These circumtances include collaspeing due to stress, her birthday, and being kidnapped from her room to bee dragged to her relatives in another state.**

**Me: It was horrible. I missed all of you so so much**

**Flame: *mutters under breath***

**Tori: What was that, Flame?**

**Flame: I want you so bad, I want you so so bad.**

**Tori: Kill me.**

**Khaos: Rose does not own DP. Maybe in her next life.**

**Me: Meanie.**

"Oi, Dog Breath!" Victoria shrilled from the porch. "Here Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!"

What on earth is that Girl on? To think that I would react to such a call! I am Derek Souza, 17-year-old werewolf and the resident genius, not some domesticated puppy for Werewolf God's sake!

"Chloe, your PET is refusing to come! Chloe? Chloe!"

Oh, thank you! Chloe, my one and only love, will knock some sense into that mutated banshee.

"Offer him a treat; he likes treats."

What! Chloe! How could you betray me like this? This is mutiny I tell you, mutiny!...I will not accept this.

"Oi! Thanks, Chloe! Hey, Mutt! I gotta lovely piece of warm, fatty, juicy BACON! Fresh from the stove and still sizzling!"

Why must you taunt my stomach and male pride in such a way, Chloe? I thought you loved me? Why?

"Derek, I swear, if you do not suddenly appear in the kitchen within the next ten seconds, I WILL buy you a collar!" Chloe! I do not think my heart can take much more of your betrayals!

"Ten"

Oh, in the words of my hero-To be or not to be, or in this case-to go to my beloved or to not go…

"Nine"

Let me see. Pro = no collar, bacon, Chloe. Con = The Head Witch and the need to turn in my Man Card to Simon.

"Eight"

Oh, the woes of being in love.

"Seven, come on Derek, do not make me send a zombie after you!"

Scratch that. Oh, the woes of being in love with an insane necromancer.

"Six-Five-Four-Three"

And now she's speeding up. Alright. My quick mind will come up with an answer! It has yet to fail me.

"Two"

I have decided! I shall stay right here!

"One"

Nope! I will not be tempted, Chloe, my love.

"Zerooooo-"

"Yo."

"Derek! You are here!"

"Finally, Dog Breath. What took you so long?"

"…I was asleep."

Dammit.

**Me: Fan harder, slaves!**

**Tori: How, exactly, did we get in this position?**

**Khaos: Blackmail**

**Chaos: Threat of being deleted**

**Flame: Chocolate**

**Tori: Right.**

**Me: Less talking! **


End file.
